Railing Codex

我发现在家里的日子，闲适、恬淡，早上吃牛奶泡玉米片，中午吃外卖，晚上喝酒，没有工作的时候便不用工作，这种状态但凡越过一个临界点，就浑身不舒服了，它像极了自己流放自己，作为自己所关注的周围环境和人的边界。不过这种时候，如果要确认一个空间的中心，那中心就是在一个设定好的边界了，它不是真实的中心，是一个“此乃是我”，而非“我所是”。所以我好喜欢旅行，我说的是那种开着车漫无目的的长途旅行，开到黑夜里面去，走夜路，一根接着一根抽烟，黑夜遮住了好多路边原本平平的风景，让我对于陌生之地的想象自在生长。我会想象悬崖，想象一个正在爬行的蛇。我独自开车走过了很多很远的地方，这种体验填补了我躺在自己的床上，看着手机直到确认孤独并不能推动我早点睡去，并且不再能及时为自己的感官反应做合理规划的空洞。我常常想吃夜宵，但每次都会因为不想起床而忍耐下来。不过即便是这样，我也依然没有走到里面去，这大概是我接下来的日子里面，需要做好准备的。
我最近喜欢用柠檬做菜，但这不是关键，关键是我不再点外卖了。

I find these days at home leisurely, serene. I have cereal for breakfast, order delivery for lunch, sip wine at night. I don’t work if there isn’t any. However, once this state crosses a certain threshold, a feeling of unease creeps over me. It’s like exiling myself from myself, setting boundaries between me, the world, and those people near me. But whenever that happens, if I pinpoint the center of a space, it’s always on a fixed boundary, not a true center—a “this is me” rather than a “what I am.” So I really like to travel. I mean the kind of long, aimless road trips where I drive into the night, midnight flings, smoking one cigarette after another, the darkness hiding all the flat scenery outside, freeing my mind to reimagine the unfamiliar landscape. I imagine a cliff, I imagine a snake sliding along it. I’ve driven alone to a lot of faraway places, an experience that fills the emptiness of lying in bed, staring at my phone until I realize that loneliness won’t make me go to sleep any earlier and that I can’t make rational plans for my physical needs anymore. Often I feel like getting a late-night snack, but each time I just put up with the hunger because I don’t want to get out of bed. Even so, I’ve still never gone inside, and probably that’s what I need to prepare for in the coming days.
 
Nowadays I like to use lemon when I cook, but that’s not the point. The point is that I don’t order delivery anymore.